Life with Aadi

So a distant voice reached my ears. At first I could not understand what it said because I was in half sleep. Tried to concentrate on my sleep but the voice became louder until it was clear enough... "WAKE UP BETA, PAPA IS ABOUT LEAVE... DON'T YOU WANNA HAVE TEA WITH HIM TODAY?", my mom said in a loud voice as she half entered the room. Here I was still in half sleep trying to gather all my senses. With half open eyes and a blurry vision, I looked up to that orange round clock on the wall.... no.. still not visible... rubbed my eyes and tried to have a better look.. it was around 8:45.... 7:45.... yeah its 8:45 AM.... I woke up and put my left foot in my slipper and... the right one(the slipper) was missing... "COME ON NOW.. WHERE DID IT GO!!!", I mumbled to myself... walking with one slipper on in the whole room.. "OKAY! GOT IT!".... it was near the door. So, I walked towards the hall room like a zombie... with no strength at all.. well I slept pretty late as compared to them.... My father was sitting there, with his glasses on, a cup of tea in one hand and his mobile phone in the other.... might be scrolling through all the messages in our family Whatsapp group. As soon as he saw me, he locked the phone and put it down on the table and looked at me.. smiled... "BETA, YOU'RE AWAKE. CHALO LET'S GO TO THE STORE(our shop) TOGETHER.", he said. "COME ON PAPA, I BARELY MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEK, LET ME JUST REST... OR I'LL EXPLODE.", I replied while putting away the things on the sofa to clear some space for me to sit. "WHY ARE YOU SITTING NOW? HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH? THE TEA WILL GET COLD.", said my mom looking at me from the kitchen. I was looking at her and I was like... no one lets me sit in peace for a while. Again, dragged myself to the basin and started to brush my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized WHAT THE HELL I was looking like... I looked completely messed up.. so I washed my face, un-messed my hair and again went in the hall and sat on the sofa again... my father was again busy with his phone, my mom was in the kitchen still doing something and my sister probably left for school... my mom came out from the kitchen with a cup of boiling hot tea and kept it on the table for me and then she sat next to me. "So, do you have to go somewhere today?", she asked. "I don't know. I will just relax today, watch something, sleep more.." I explained in a tired voice while yawning. "Take me to Masi's home then. She asked us to visit, you can rest there as well.", she said. I nodded and I was like yeah, we'll see. So after some chit chat and everything... my father left for his work and I had finished my tea. My mom was in the kitchen cleaning up things... and everything was going okayish.....

Well, then comes the afternoon, and my mom finally convinced me to go to Masi's home. "I wanted to be home today." I said to myself with disappointment while leaving. We finally left home at around 2 PM and the weather was okay... it was a little bit cloudy so at least I was saved from the harsh sunlight while driving my scooter in the middle of the afternoon. We reached there after a 15-20 min drive and were in front of her home. I parked my scooter near the gate and were about to enter the house. "Why have you made such an expression?", my mom asked while looking at my face. I had a kind of frustrated, tired expression. "Its nothing.. lets get inside.", I replied as we entered in. Masi was so happy to see us and welcomed us with a smile. "You came after so long beta.", she said as I touched her feet and she hugged me. I didn't say much and just smiled back at her. We sat there together, all three of us while having rooh-afzah and some snacks while talking about all the daily stuff... "How's office beta?", Masi asked. "It is okay... going good.", I replied with the usual answer. "If you are tired you can go and sleep in the other room.", said my mom while explaining Masi the look on my face. "He slept late and woke up early.", she added. So without much argument, I went in the other room. Sat on the bed. I was talking to myself and was getting even more irritated. "HOW CAN I REST HERE! I WANNA GO HOME... CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE... LIE-DOWN ON MY COUCH... WATCH TV... TALK TO MY MOM ABOUT MY WHOLE WEEK AT WORK... BUT NO... HERE I AM..", I was shouting in my mind while scrolling on my FB feed inattentively. 

I don't remember much what happened after that but after few hours my mom came in the room and she told me that we were heading home. It was already around 5:30 PM and it felt like half of my day was wasted and I had done nothing, though the goal was to do nothing but according to my way. It felt like the day was passing so quickly that I was feeling that this day is turning to be complete waste and Sunday was halfway there. We finally reached home near the society's entrance when mom remembered something. "I FORGOT TO BUY LEMONS FOR THE SALAD!", she said. "WHY COULDN'T YOU REMEMBER IT EARLIER YAAR, WE JUST GOT HOME AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME I HAVE TO GO AGAIN!!!", I said like I had almost lost it. I dropped her near our building and drove as fast as I could with hundreds of things running in my mind. I was so irritated and exhausted. I finally bought the lemons and reached home as fast as I could. It felt like I was about to burst with all the frustration building up inside me. The door was open when I reached home. I entered and saw my mom sitting on the chair next to the table. I closed the door so hard behind me and walked towards my mom and handed the polybag. "TAKE IT! AND CAN I SIT PEACEFULLY NOW OR DO YOU WANT ME TO GET SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOU?", I said in a loud and harsh tone. I was standing there and my mom was looking at me and she was in a shock with the way I spoke. My sister came out from another room to see what happened and stood far away looking at both of us quietly. "What happened beta why are you shouting? I only ask you to do something on the weekends, the rest of the week you are busy and I have no one to take help from.", she explained while trying to calm me down. "YOU ONLY ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING ON THE WEEKENDS YOU SAY. WHY DON'T YOU LET ME HAVE SOME PEACE ON THE WEEKEND? WHY DON'T YOU SIT WITH ME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT MY WHOLE WEEK? WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED AT WORK? WHY DON'T WE SIT TOGETHER AND HAVE A LAUGH TOGETHER OR WATCH A MOVIE TOGETHER AT HOME? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW HOW EXHAUSTED I FEEL? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW HOW DEFEATED I FEEL AT TIMES....? I FEEL YOU KNOW NOTHING AT ALL. THE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME, THE PRESSURE I FEEL, THE THINGS GOING IN MY MIND, THE THOUGHTS THAT DON'T LET ME SLEEP AT NIGHT... YOU KNOW NOTHING. AND THE WORST PART IS YOU DON'T EVEN ASK MUCH..." I paused as I started losing my breath. "I WAS BETTER OFF BACK IN DELHI!" I added while trying to catch my breath. I could see my mom's eyes getting teary with my last sentence. "I was better off... in... Delhi?", I said again softly with eyes getting filled with tears. I was losing my breath even more... "Delhi....? I was in Delhi..." "Oh shit shit shit.... oh shit.... no... NO... DON'T WAKE UP... DON'T WAKE UP... DON'T WAKE UP.....", I was shouting but the voice was not coming out from my mouth. And.... and a heavy inhale... a tear slid down from the side of my right eye.

I was in my room.

On the same mattress I slept on last night. 

Glaring at the ceiling. 

The fan was off. I think there was no electricity. 

I did not remember what I saw in my dream, it was all in fragments.

All I remembered was that I was at my home. 

And I yelled at my mom because of something....

but for what.... I did not remember.

I don't know why would I do that.

I already miss her... I miss home...

So... it was the month of July and it was around 2:35 AM in the morning when the cab left the office. Had just finished my Friday shift and was leaving for home. For your better understanding, let me make you aware that my shift is from 5 PM to 2 AM... pretty neat right?

Well, it was a tiring day, a tiring week to be honest before a 2 day long weekend and I was more exhausted than excited for the weekend. I was sitting in the cab and was listening to my cab mates talking about their weekend plans.. well... one of them wasn't lucky enough to have a weekend off so he was sitting in silence, thinking about something in his own world maybe. "SO !!! WHAT'S YOU PLAN AADI?" a voice reached me. "JUST GONNA REST THIS WEEKEND. DO THE LAUNDRY(if you know you know).", I replied. "BUT WASN'T THAT THE SAME THING YOU SAID LAST WEEK?", he asked. "WELL, LAUNDRY DOES COME UP EVERY WEEK." I said. Afterall, what better do I have to do.

So it was about 3:07AM when I got off the cab... looked at my watch and realized that I reached 8 minutes earlier than yesterday and took a deep inhale.. and exhale.. as I walked towards my flat. Seemed like the whole world was sleeping, apart from the guard sitting on the gate of the society of course, though he looked he was in need of some sleep as well. Luckily, my shift ended way before his. 

It was dead silence all around, not a single sound, not even the chirping of the insects. Just the sound of my own footsteps. I reached my building and stood there for a while staring at those stairs and trying to gather some strength before I started climbing them. "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS EVERYDAY YAAR?" I asked myself in a disappointing tone and started climbing. After so much of hard work, I was finally there, in front of my flat, looked at the door which had a plate stating "13304" while pulling out the keys from my pocket. So I unlocked the door, it was pitch dark so first I reached out to the light switch before completely shutting the door. Turned on the light, went inside, shut the door and locked it from inside. Took off my shoes first, kept my bag on the chair and sat on the chair for a while.

It was indeed a tiring week.

So without wasting any more time, I changed into my shorts and went into my room and just laid myself down on my mattress with my face towards the ceiling with no energy left to even move my finger but still not tired enough to put myself to sleep. Thoughts about everything started to flow in my mind about all the regrets I had, all the wrong decisions I took in the past years and the place, situation and mental state it had landed me into. Thoughts about everything that continued to make me feel disappointed in myself. And after a whole hour of getting beaten up by my not so cool thoughts, I finally gave up and dozed off... 

[So, i know it has been a long time since i haven't been here, things have been very exhausting lately with everyday effort of figuring things out, though i know no one was waiting, but if someone was, thank you for the wait <3]

What is it?

What is it that is keeping you awake at night, stresses you so much that sometimes you feel suffocated?

What is it that makes you feel that you are worthless, in spite of trying so much?

Giving all you could, doing all you can but still… it feels less, incomplete, insufficient and then where does it take you? Self-doubt maybe?

You keep asking yourself the same question every time: “Am I not enough?”, “Am I not made for this?”, “What if I am destined to be a failure?” and so on… These questions may not end now, or maybe they won’t ever end unless you find what you are looking or unless what you are looking for finds you… and until that happens, what would you do?

See, if I say, till the time all the pieces fall into their place, just be patient and wait for the right time, take less stress and enjoy the journey or whatever powerful and motivational words I have in my vocabulary… I think that would be a lie because then you may say, “Well, Aadi! You don’t know what am I going through, you won’t understand unless you walk a mile in my shoes.” And that’s correct, I don’t know what situation you are in, how you feel being in that situation, how much does it weigh on your shoulders. Also being in your situation does not mean I will be able to understand you completely if I was there instead of you… Why? Well because I am a guy used to lift a 100kg, and you are used to lift a 50 so I really can’t understand the pain and pressure you may feel when the weight is moved up to 90. Maybe you will get used to it eventually at a later stage, or maybe you would quit depending on the consequences that may happen or the way you think, so that would be completely unfair to say I completely understand. But then what? How to tackle the stress that you are going through right now? Then I would say, why tackle it?

If you want to feel happy and accomplished, then you should also be okay with feeling sad, wanting to cry, feel defeated sometimes, maybe angry, anxious… because I am not someone to take the emotions out of you because these are emotions that makes us, us. Makes us who we are, different from others, different from machines… So, do you want to be empty? If everyone will be empty, how will the world survive?

So what to do when things go sideways? You tell me? What you do when things go your way? Whatever situation you are in today, will definitely pass… and there is no “may” to it because it will and new circumstances will arise so just stop for a moment, stop all your work right away, take a deep breath… and while inhaling or exhaling you don’t need to think anything or do complicated imaginations of taking in positivity and exhaling negativity, just a simple deep breath, to make you realize that you are present, present in this moment. And when you have done that, just smile to yourself and say, “Hey, you’ve done great till now, I am proud of you…” because things will come your way, if ups, then downs too and all of the time, all of the life, you will be only one standing beside you. So if you are not proud of that person, if you don’t appreciate that person, if you don’t encourage that person who has been with you all this time and will be there forever… I don’t know then… you may lose him too and I don’t want you to lose him…. So just tell him you are proud of him and love him!

Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash

So, I was in a conversation with my friend about how much time we are wasting these days scrolling through social media and not doing anything productive apart from sharing the CO₂ with the plants. And yes, we both were not alone on this one. Since the pandemic, many of us have very less to do. A lot of us are doing great too, but I am talking about those who are actually not doing anything apart from wasting their precious time and being honest, that includes me too. I told him that what we need is a change of habit or, habits to be precise. Waking up early and exercising was completely absent in our schedule and also, we were lacking the motivation to do so.

While the discussion was going on, he told me that he is not able to get that life changing moment, a moment which might change him from the inside, a moment which might make him realize that what is he doing, what he has done and what he should do. We all do need some life changing moment in our lives. Don’t we? A moment that will prove to be a life changing one. But here is something I realized…. What if the turning point comes with a high cost? What if you are not ready to pay that much?

There were times when I thought that too, that when will there be a life changing moment for me. But then I thought, what if the moment comes with a cost of losing someone dear to me. Maybe that would change me from deep within, maybe I will be able to realize everything on that exact moment, but at what cost will I win? Every time I tell people about not wasting time, I often say this line,

“When someone who cares about you teaches you something, take the lesson and learn, because when time becomes the teacher, it doesn’t go easy on you.”

So instead of procrastinating your work, just do it. Instead of thinking of getting fit, just start exercising. Instead of thinking to wake up early, just wake up and start planning your day. Need to learn a skill? Start learning. Life starts changing once we get out of our comfort zones. We are often told that how can we tell someone to do something when we ourselves don’t do it, so let’s be honest, I too don’t have a schedule, a plan or a healthy habit, but I am willing to change with you, and so are you. I will start my journey with you 😊. Instead of waiting for that moment to arrive, why don’t we create our little moment here and start this journey together. And also, do revisit to share whatever progress you’ve made, I will be happy to share mine too.

Photo by Kien Do on Unsplash

Yeah, I know it has been a long time since I have been here. I guess it was time that I didn’t have for myself or I could say it was something else which was stopping me to write or both of it. Yes I did came across a lot of thoughts, a lot of feelings that I wanted to express but the topics they revolved around were something that could actually put me in some sort of troubles. Everything is fine till it’s a fairy tale, but as soon as the truth uncovers itself, the ones not accepting it can cause mayhem. Who am I? I am nothing but an ordinary person who wants to question things but is afraid that those questions may lead to some unwanted circumstances. Why? You ask. It’s because those questions have a point and that point could burst the balloon of ego of many and to protect that, you won’t believe at what level people would go down.

 Watching social media posts makes me question things that what exactly we are doing in life? People are spreading hate among each other for silly reasons. We say religion should not be the reason to divide us. I won’t pass any judgements on this but, we are creating differences among us on very silly and laughable things. I know you would say that stop the use of social media, look around yourself and all the good stuff but could you even stop using social media, if you would stop, will it make any difference? It’s like you are asking me to drive safely on the road, but do you guarantee that I won’t be hit by someone not driving safely? There are and there will be casualties till we don’t understand what actually needs to be stopped. I am not saying it could happen overnight but at least you could try to start understanding things rather than reacting to them according to the trend? If you are yourself good enough to understand things, could you try to make others aware about them too?

You see people are hating each other because of color, status, money, gender, even IPL teams! If someone’s favorite actor is “A” and the other one’s is “B” they start fighting blindly. How silly it is fighting for someone who even doesn’t know you. Vegetarians are fighting non-vegetarians, people of different states are fighting each other. People hating and abusing their favorite players just because they didn’t perform well. You can call them kids, immature or whatever but they are the future and if this is the future generation then can you imagine where it is going? I know you would say it’s only on social media but social media is actually becoming a real world and it is only going to increase its affect. I know I can’t make a difference, but you can. If you are one of those who doesn’t spread this hate, I appreciate you for that. The thing you can do to help is to spread this awareness among your circle and ask them to do the same in their circles. For those who actually spread hate and rumors, if you come across this post, please don’t do this. You just have to not comment on a post and that’s it. Abusing or spreading negativity won’t lead to stage where you will get a Nobel prize for it. It is just pointless so save your energy by not doing so help save the world! Seeing your hate posts and hate comments will encourage others to do it too. You people trend a lot of things and can make anything viral then why don’t you try to make positivity viral? Why don’t you trend #awareness #positivity #nohate #peace? J Just a little task for you all.

"Dedicated to everyone of you who has been a part of that beautiful journey."